I was thinking about the discussion on ideal age for marriage and children as I listened to this. I married in my mid-20s and was divorced within two years - I had hoped to remarry reasonably quickly and have children reasonably quickly after that, but ultimately didn’t remarry until I was 39. I had a lot of longtime single friends in my…
I was thinking about the discussion on ideal age for marriage and children as I listened to this. I married in my mid-20s and was divorced within two years - I had hoped to remarry reasonably quickly and have children reasonably quickly after that, but ultimately didn’t remarry until I was 39. I had a lot of longtime single friends in my 30s, and I will say that it feels like there’s a widespread belief that women have perfectly good marital options on the table but choose not to settle down because they’re looking for someone perfect, have standards that are too high, etc. Even setting aside my own life, I didn’t have a lot of single friends who were turning away from great guys who were eager to get married in search of someone better. What I saw much more frequently is that my female friends (and I) struggled to find men with whom we shared values and could form a real connection. What I think this speaks to is that the modern post-college mating market is not aligned to female preferences, priorities, and typical female modes of sexual and romantic connection. Most women I know are oriented to find real connection and compatibility with men that they have met and gotten to know outside of a pure dating context, and sexual attraction often follows getting to know a man, instead of coming immediately. But app-based dating is context-free: you are meeting solely for the purpose of determining if you have potential sexual and romantic interest in each other. It’s the difference between meeting a guy in, say, running club and becoming friendly while attraction/interest develops vs. meeting him via an app and, within two hours of your first face to face meeting facing the question of whether you’re willing to be physically intimate and if so to what degree (from a kiss goodnight to full-on sex). That just wasn’t a model that worked for many women that I knew, but it is completely dominant now - and even if you are working hard to meet men outside of that context, it can be a struggle since many of the activities that interest women (church, community volunteering, etc.) don’t draw a lot of single men. So even women with pretty realistic standards and expectations for a relationship could take a long time to find a partner.
I suspect this is also the case for men who are lower on sociosexuality, more introverted, or more shy, btw, but I don’t really know. My now-husband is extremely introverted and was a single dad when we got together, and his personality and priorities also didn’t mesh well with app-based dating (we were ex-colleagues).
I got married in my mid-20s so I’ve been married for a long time at this point but I’m late 30s and have a lot of single female friends and not even one of them is single because she is too picky or because she wants to sleep around or bc she is delusional about the longevity of her eggs -- she is single because there just aren’t very many even *acceptable* men out there. They send me profiles they come across and tell me stories of their dates. It’s a jungle out there.
I was thinking about the discussion on ideal age for marriage and children as I listened to this. I married in my mid-20s and was divorced within two years - I had hoped to remarry reasonably quickly and have children reasonably quickly after that, but ultimately didn’t remarry until I was 39. I had a lot of longtime single friends in my 30s, and I will say that it feels like there’s a widespread belief that women have perfectly good marital options on the table but choose not to settle down because they’re looking for someone perfect, have standards that are too high, etc. Even setting aside my own life, I didn’t have a lot of single friends who were turning away from great guys who were eager to get married in search of someone better. What I saw much more frequently is that my female friends (and I) struggled to find men with whom we shared values and could form a real connection. What I think this speaks to is that the modern post-college mating market is not aligned to female preferences, priorities, and typical female modes of sexual and romantic connection. Most women I know are oriented to find real connection and compatibility with men that they have met and gotten to know outside of a pure dating context, and sexual attraction often follows getting to know a man, instead of coming immediately. But app-based dating is context-free: you are meeting solely for the purpose of determining if you have potential sexual and romantic interest in each other. It’s the difference between meeting a guy in, say, running club and becoming friendly while attraction/interest develops vs. meeting him via an app and, within two hours of your first face to face meeting facing the question of whether you’re willing to be physically intimate and if so to what degree (from a kiss goodnight to full-on sex). That just wasn’t a model that worked for many women that I knew, but it is completely dominant now - and even if you are working hard to meet men outside of that context, it can be a struggle since many of the activities that interest women (church, community volunteering, etc.) don’t draw a lot of single men. So even women with pretty realistic standards and expectations for a relationship could take a long time to find a partner.
I suspect this is also the case for men who are lower on sociosexuality, more introverted, or more shy, btw, but I don’t really know. My now-husband is extremely introverted and was a single dad when we got together, and his personality and priorities also didn’t mesh well with app-based dating (we were ex-colleagues).
I got married in my mid-20s so I’ve been married for a long time at this point but I’m late 30s and have a lot of single female friends and not even one of them is single because she is too picky or because she wants to sleep around or bc she is delusional about the longevity of her eggs -- she is single because there just aren’t very many even *acceptable* men out there. They send me profiles they come across and tell me stories of their dates. It’s a jungle out there.